Have you ever wondered why rebuilding trust in a relationship is so hard?
One reason rebuilding trust is so hard is the fear of being hurt again. Once you have been hurt, you are naturally unwilling to put yourself into a position where you can be hurt again. Trusting the cheater often requires that you expose yourself to potential hurt again. This is hard, since the part of your heart that was damaged is still bruised and sore from previous hurt.
Another obstacle to rebuilding trust in a relationship is the hesitancy to believe what your partner tells you. You’ve been burned, and it’s hard to believe what the cheater who has lied to you repeatedly is telling you.
You might be telling yourself “they lied before, what’s to stop them from lying again?” The answer—NOTHING. They can lie to you again. There is little to be done about it, outside of taking them at their word again. The cheater may want “instant trust”, but that simply does not happen. In the area of lies, it will take time before you can believe what they tell you and not cringe every time you suspect them of lying.
Another thing that makes rebuilding trust in a relationship so difficult is that it is hard to trust someone who withholds key pieces of information. When they do not tell you much, you cannot trust much. Although the cheater may be thinking “the less said, the less I can be held accountable for,” you can only trust people you know, and what you yourself know.
Yet another challenge is that the cheater wants to ‘move on’ and get past everything quickly. They do not allow time for trust to rebuild and emotions to heal. They want to get on with their lives and ‘not dwell on the past’. These cheaters do not understand trust.
They believe that they have admitted their wrong doing and now want to put it behind them, without having to face or work through the effects of their choice. It is as if they want to think that the only issue they have to deal with is admitting their wrong doing. These cheaters are operating with an emotional tunnel vision, where they either do not see or do not want to see the effects of their choices. They are still very self-centered and have difficulty looking at the affair from other perspectives, nor do they understand the ‘traumatizing effect’ of the affair.
If you can think of any other reasons why rebuilding trust in a relationship is so difficult, please add your thoughts in the comment section below.
Our book details some of the barriers to rebuilding trust in our own relationship and how we were able to overcome them. Check out “Journey to Trust: Rebuilding Trust After an Affair” and learn from our experiences.